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Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland…

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.  I can read, and it say:

Polish Remover

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Posted in Being Punny

Moaner Lisa

Did you hear about the man in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out through all the security at the Louvre, he was caught only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a spectacular crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(And you thought we lacked De Gaulle to repeat a story like this.)

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

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Posted in Being Punny

Poker on Her

Two couples were playing poker. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife wasn’t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”

Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?”
She thinks, “Oh hell, he knows!” Finally she says, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.”
“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

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Four Sons

Four older gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is delayed in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

“My son Steve,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”

The second man, not to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns six different dealerships across the state. “Alan is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new Mercedes as a gift.”

The third man’s son, John, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line of business his son is in.

“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son turned out,” he replies. “For 15 years, Tom has been a hair stylist, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay. However, on the bright side, he must be extremely good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock and bonds.”

author unknown modifications by AGuy

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Mistress vs Wife

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

The other two replied, “Both?”

“Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

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~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

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Posted in Government

What Engineers Are Like In Bed

A guide for ladies shopping for a Engineering lover. So just how do engineers do it?

Engineers do it with precision.

Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.

Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.

Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.

Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.

Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.

Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.

Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.

Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.

City planners do it with their eyes closed.

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

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Posted in Engineering

Playing Poker with the Rent Money

“That dirtball husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbor friend.

“You didn’t do it, did you?!”

“I have to admit that I did, though with certain misgivings, I might add. But what I haven’t done, is tell him the rent is paid up for six months!”

~ author unknown

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A Strange Lawyer

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, since people passing by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

“That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, ‘THAT’S STRANGE!’”

~author unknown

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Posted in Law & Lawyers

I’ve Known These Lawyers Since They Were Boys

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly looking lady. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Johnson, do you know me?”

She responded, “Yes, I do know you Mr. Atkins. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. And now you think you’re a rising big shot attorney when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Johnson, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes of course I do. I’ve known Mr. Smith since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If EITHER of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be heading for the state pen faster than you can blink an eye.”

~author unknown modifications by AGuy

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Posted in Law & Lawyers

Poker Player’s Last Hand

Some die hard poker playing friends, with regular Friday night poker game, were still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent message. “Steve, listen,” he told the host, “Ron is in the kitchen making love to your wife!” “OK, that’s it, guys,” Steve said. “This time I mean it, this is positively the last deal!”

~author unknown modified by AGuy

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Catch Me If You Can Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine!!!”

He lost 63 pounds that week.

~ author unknown modified by Aguy editorial

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To All Those Who Died in the Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Johnny.”

“Good morning,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

“What is this?” Johnny asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny’s voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”

~ author unknown modified by Aguy

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If Operating Systems Were Beers

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like a Mac Beer’s can. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality, you can drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the comapny promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s – After Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer
The comapny has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extemely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimum user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development you’re told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physician’s Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.

Have any updates on new Beer Operating Systems?

~ author unknown modified by Aguy

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Better money in Vegas

After a long day at work, a man comes home to find his wife in a rush to pack her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men there willing to pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!”

The man just stood there without reacting, and thought about it for a while. He then quickly began packing his bags as well. “What the hell do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”

~ author unknown modified by Aguy

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A fire, an Engineer, a Physicist and a Mathmatician

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. and extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Next the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

~ author unknown

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Posted in Engineering

Engineering Humor – short jokes #1

Rather than force you all to look at many pages for very short jokes, here’s a collection of humorous shorts that made us smile.

Phases of a Project
1 — Exultation
2 — Disenchantment
3 — Search for the Guilty
4 — Punishment of the Innocent
5 — Praise for the Uninvolved

Mechanical vs Civil Engineers

Q: What’s the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
A: One builds bombs, the other builds targets.

Astronaut Anxiety

An astronaut in space in 1970 was asked by a reporter, “How do you feel?”

“How would you feel,” the astronout replied, “if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest engineering bidder?”

Barney is Satan

Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan

Step 1: The Romans had no letter “U” so they used “V” instead for printing. Therefore, the Roman representation for Barney would be CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Step 2: Taking CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, and extracting the Roman neumerals, we have:


Step 3: The decimal equivalent of these Roman neumerals would be:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Step 4: Adding these numbers together would produce:


Step 5: 666 is the number of the beast

Therefore: Barney is Satan

Common Sense

During the heat of the space race in the 1960′s, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, when faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Car pooling

An engineer found out he had to attend a meeting, just minutes before quitting time. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Ted.” At 6:30 p.m., the engineer stopped at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove.”

Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his “Red-Rubber-Ball” table.

Half Glass of Scotch
There is a half glass of scotch on a table.
The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, “What’s the question?”

~ authors unknown

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Posted in Engineering

The Bank Manager Bet

One day Jane walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had recently won in the casino.

Jane walked up to the cashier and handed over a check for $850,000. The cashier insisted on verifying such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious as how Jayne came to have so much money, started asking some questions.

“How did you get so much money?”

“Well”, she replies, “I’m a bit of a gambler.”

“Oh really…” the manager replied, and started to give Jane a lecture about the evils of gambling.

“No really, it’s a lot of fun!” insisted Jane, “for example, I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!”

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it through, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jane could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

“This is my attorney,” said Jane. “He’s here to make sure everything is legit.”

“OK” said the bank manager, so Jane stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

“You’re right, they’re not square!”, she declared.

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car and appeared extremely frustrated. Confused, the manager asked Jane, “What’s wrong with your lawyer?”

“Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in 30 minutes or less.”

~ author unknown – modified by Aguy

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director ‘how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?’

‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’

‘Oh, I understand,’ said the visitor. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’

‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug.’

‘Do you want a bed near the window?’

~ author unknown

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Posted in Doctors, Health care

Crawling Home Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night with his friends. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So then he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time but with the same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up again and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there. Again.”

~ author unknown

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