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A blond was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and…

Q: Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?

A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

A large company has an off-site retreat for it’s executives. The CEO decides to hold the event at his huge country side estate, with it’s equally huge mansion. The estate also has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. However, the huge pool is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by…

One day jobless mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as a crowd starts forming around him, a zoo keeper suddenly grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that he has a desperate situation, the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has just died suddenly. He now…

A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the religious men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest, I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but thankfully we are unhurt. This must be a sign…

Arthur is 90 years old, and has played golf every day since he retired 30 years ago.

One day he arrives at home looking very depressed. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, “Why…

A farmer was on his way into town when he passed by a church. The pastor happen to be sitting there and ask, “Hey John, whatcha got there?” Farmer John replied, “A horsefly, I’m going into town to get a horse.” Pastor says, Well good luck.”

Later that evening the pastor saw farmer John came riding back on a horse. The next morning, pastor saw…

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of…

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head…

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband…

A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race appear?’

The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,…

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, ‘Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School.

Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if…

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, & knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load.’

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light,…

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle Remus Rodham was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887,

Under same management for over 5765 years.

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: ” The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”