The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered Read more »

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer”, said the balloonist.

“I am”, replied the man, “How did you know?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am”, replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, said the man on the ground, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

–
~author unknown

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named Governmentium.

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called Read more »

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?�

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.� The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?� The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?� The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse… alone.�

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!�

~ author unknown

Three men stand before St Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.

The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So St Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early form work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole - he landed in these bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself.”

St Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the
first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn’t last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me.”

St Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he
told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: “Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a refrigerator…”

~ author unknown

The following exam was administered as an extention of the SAT

1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet.
You can buy:
A. A dime and two 40’s
B. A new pair of Fila’s
C. Dashikki down the block
D. Yo mama

2) It’s tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack
for da rent.
You:
A. Bust a cap in his ass
B. Say, “Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?”
C. Have anuther kid on welfare
D. Yo mama

3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall
scam da uther mo
fo’s commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros,
and both yall draw
yur gats, which of da following happens:
A. Shit goes down in da hood
B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
C. Shit man, I do’no maff
D. Yo mama

4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left:
A. Haff
B. Da uther haff
C. Zum mo
D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama

5) You, beein da shit you are, dress yo self in da morn in
which of deese:
A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat
B. Da AK47 with yo Fila’s
C. You blade and ya colurs
D. “Shit man, what’s a nigga like me doin up at dis time
in da morn?”

6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You:
A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to
MceeDees
B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40’s
C. Gaffle da man
D. I do’no maff

JOG-MAFEE

7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
A. Afrika
B. Compton
C. Souff Centra
D. Yo mama

8 ) What am da capita of California?
A. Da Hood
B. Compton
C. Compton
D. Compton

ANALAMA-G’S

9 ) Tek 9 : Gatt ::
A. Yo mama : Dashikki
B. Fila’s : Nike
C. Tu pac : Barry White
D. St. Ive’s : Colt 45

10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic ::
A. Da Man : Da Systum
B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
C. Fat Albert : Shaft
D. Yo mama : Dashikki

NO. LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN:
IN 25 WURDS
MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN?

So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag
below

X____________________________ (Just a x woobee fine)

~ author unknown

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