A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”

“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer. The owner says “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Read more »

CANDIDATE FOR A PULLET SURPRISE

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh.
My checker tolled me sew. Read more »

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:  the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

“Well,” said Lenny, “I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Shabbat violator! Look at him running for that taxi.”

“Wait a minute,” Moe replied. “Didn’t you read that book I lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command to judge other people favorably? I’ll bet we can think of hundreds of reasons for Irving’s behavior. He is our friend and we must look for a favorable reason for his seemingly violation of the Shabbat laws.”

“Yeah, like what?”

“Maybe he’s sick and needs to go to the hospital.”

“Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he’s healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis.”

“Well, maybe his wife’s having a baby.”

“She had one last week.”

“Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital.”

“She’s home.”

“Well, maybe he’s running to the hospital to get a doctor.”

“He is a doctor.”

“Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital.”

“The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction.”

“Well, maybe he forgot that it’s Shabbat!”

“Of course he knows it’s Shabbat. Didn’t you see his tie. It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week.”

“Wow, you’re a really observant Jew! I didn’t even notice he was wearing a tie.”

“How could you not notice? Didn’t you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?”

~ author unknown

There are many “pinot” wines on the market: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio for starters.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older man has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as…

Pinot More.

~author unknown

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Read more »

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

~author unknown

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter password that he wants to use when logging on.

The husband, thinking he’ll do the manly thing, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer: P E N I S

His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: “PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.”

~author unknown

The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR. POTATO HEAD

He’s tan.
He’s cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant’s kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, “You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.”

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

The judge turns to Abraham and said, “What do you have to say to that?”

Abraham didn’t say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?”

Abraham replied, “I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

~ author unknown with some modifications by the Aguy team.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked great for a 65-year-old.

We drank a bit, and things progressed rather nicely and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It a mother and daughter threesome,” she said. Read more »

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. Read more »

anyone who’s traveled extensively abroad can appreciate this one…

A man decided to visit his brother who was stationed in Germany. He assumed that most Germans would speak English. But he quickly discovered that many people spoke only their native tongue, including the ticket inspector on the train. Read more »

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it. Read more »

There once was a group of Friars living on a mountain top, basically communing and doing the things that Friars do. It was discovered that the soil around their monastery was extraordinarily fertile, and many strange and amazingly wonderful plants and flowers grew in the area. The Friars decided to cultivate these plants and flowers and see what types of new plants they could come up with.

After a while, people heard about all the wondrous plant life the Friars were developing. They came from miles around to tour the Monastery area. The Friars, who were very business minded for a group of religious folk, decided to start charging the people money for the seeds and tours. Read more »

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been for an intestinal problem, there was no logical reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally the nurse fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock spoke to the doctor about it. Read more »

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.

“That was my pager”, she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” Read more »