• 180 degrees shy of heaven
• Performing with Flacido Domingo
• A few parts shy of an erector set
• Sch-wing and a miss
• Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
• The Null Monte
• Disappointing Miss Daisy
• Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
• Ascension Deficit Disorder
• Bouncing the Check of Love
• Less-than-Magic Johnson
• All Doled up with nowhere to go
• Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
• Serving boneless pork
• Unleavened Man-Bread

~ author unknown

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

~author unknown

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on board parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!” or

“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!” or

IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!” Read more »