A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says “I found them. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with them, but haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should really take them to the zoo.”

“Hey, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away. Read more »

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher:

“Are you a gambling man?” The butcher responds, “Yes”.

So the man said, “I bet you $100 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.”

“But I thought you were a gambling man” the man scoffs.

“Yes I am” says the butcher, “but the steaks are too high.”

A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.” Read more »

Two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she’s been married, and the reply was 4. “Four times!” exclaimed the first woman, “why so many?”

So the other woman said: “Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s terrible” the first woman said.

“Well, it wasn’t that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.” Read more »

Here’s another unfortunate bit of chance for a TV game show. Sometimes I feel like Fate really has it in for these types of shows.

Stan was construction worker, and was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the roof of a house he was working on, and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and decided to follow a different path.

One day, Stan decided to invest his money in a small, and fast growing, tele-com business called Swift Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. After signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great, he knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Stan asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?â€? Read more »

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. Read more »

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me, “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”

~author unknown

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,� the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,� the man says.

“Isn’t there a cheaper way?� “Well,� the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.�

Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!â€? Read more »

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.  “Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

~ author unknown

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi.

“You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”