Arthur is 90 years old, and has played golf every day since he retired 30 years ago.

One day he arrives at home looking very depressed. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a 103!!! There’s no way he can’t help.”

“He may be a 103″, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. Quickly, he’s lost it again. He turns to the brother-in-law, and asks him “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I can’t remember.”

–
~ author unknown

A farmer was on his way into town when he passed by a church. The pastor happen to be sitting there and ask, “Hey John, whatcha got there?” Farmer John replied, “A horsefly, I’m going into town to get a horse.” Pastor says, Well good luck.”

Later that evening the pastor saw farmer John came riding back on a horse. The next morning, pastor saw farmer john again and asked, “Whatcha got there today?” Farmer simply responded, “A butterfly. I’m going get me some butter.” Pastor says, “Well good luck.”

Of course later that evening, pastor saw farmer John walking back with some butter. The next day, as farmer John was walking to town, pastor asked, “Whatcha got today?” Farmer John said, “A Pussy Willow.” The pastor quickly replies, “You don’t mind if I tag along would ya?”

–
~ author unknown

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

‘Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you dumb jerk!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.

~ author unknown

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

~ author unknown