Two groups chartered a double-decker bus to visit the casinos in Atlantic City, one group was all blonds and the other was a group from the retirement home. The retirement home group rides on the bottom of the bus. The blond group rides on the top level.

Soon their journey begins and bottom group is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes he doesn’t hear anything from the blonds upstairs.

Being a fine gentleman, he decides to get up and investigate. When he reaches the top, he finds all the blonds frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. He says, “What the heck’s going on up here?” We’re having a great time downstairs!” One of the Blonds looks up and says, “YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!!”

–
~author unknown

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, and caught up on everything they ignored while away. A week later they had breakfast together and talked about their time in Vegas.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says “I know what you mean. My wife played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My woman played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore johnson and a butt full of quarters.”

–
~author unknown

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,

‘13….13….13….’

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting,

‘14….14….14….’

~ author unknown

A man was quietly reading his paper in the family room when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he says. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it”, she replies.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on”, he explains. She gives him the evil eye a bit longer but then feels satisfied with her husband’s response. She apologizes and goes off to finish some housework.

Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he asks, “What the hell was that for?” “Your horse just phoned.”

–
~ author unknown

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was also good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone was speechless.

–
~ author unknown

A blond was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.

She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar. She continued to do this another five times.

A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said “Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?”

She said, “Duh!! Can’t you see that I’m winning here!”

–
~ author unknown

Q: Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?

A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

–
~ author unknown

A large company has an off-site retreat for it’s executives. The CEO decides to hold the event at his huge country side estate, with it’s equally huge mansion. The estate also has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. However, the huge pool is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!”

Everyone laughs at the outlandish offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The awestruck CEO approaches the CFO and says, “You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can start by telling me who the f*ck pushed me in the pool!”

–
~ author unknown

One day jobless mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as a crowd starts forming around him, a zoo keeper suddenly grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that he has a desperate situation, the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has just died suddenly. He now fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off without their star attraction.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime, without any other means of making a living, accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the zoo opens. He discovers that it’s actually a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. After a couple months, the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a dividing wall, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one unfortunate day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is frozen with fear.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage in a panic with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help me, help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

–
~ author unknown

A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the religious men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest, I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but thankfully we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G*d. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely, this absolutely must be a sign from above.”

The rabbi continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely he wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

–
~ author unknown