During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director ‘how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?’

‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’

‘Oh, I understand,’ said the visitor. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’

‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug.’

‘Do you want a bed near the window?’

At the Russian military academy, a General gave a lecture on ‘Potential Problems and Military Strategy’.

At the end of the lecture he asked if there are any questions.

An officer stood up and asked: ‘Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?’

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

The officer asked: ‘Who will be the enemy?’

The General: ‘All indications point to China.’

All the audience is shocked, the officer asks: ‘General, we are only 150 million, there are 1,200 million Chinese. Can we win at all?’

The General: ‘Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality.

For example in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.’

After a small pause the officer asked, ‘Do we have enough Jews?’

~ author unknown

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,

‘13….13….13….’

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting,

‘14….14….14….’

~ author unknown

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

‘Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you dumb jerk!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.

~ author unknown

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

~ author unknown

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 30, 2008

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race appear?’

The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, ‘Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.’

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, ‘Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School.

Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, ‘Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Barb, Barb.’

‘Who is it?’ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’

‘Barb — it’s me, Rose.’

‘You’re not Rose. Rose just died.’

‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,’ insisted the voice.

‘Rose! Where are you?’

‘In Heaven,’ replied Rose. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’

‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Barb.

‘The good news,’ Rose said, ‘is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ said Barb.. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’

‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, & knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load.’

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. Read more »

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle Remus Rodham was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, Read more »

Under same management for over 5765 years.

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: ” The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Read more »

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side.

Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

These are our rules:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Read more »

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

~ author unknown

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway…

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo; then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. Read more »

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; Read more »

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

‘You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!’ There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. Read more »

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union . The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you, but there isn’t enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave.” The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you this, but there isn’t enough meat for everyone, Read more »

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, “Man, what happened to you?” Read more »

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers…

They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose, but only collects 2 to 3 dollars each day, maybe 8 on a good day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend. Read more »