Two couples were playing poker. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife wasn’t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”

Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?”
She thinks, “Oh hell, he knows!” Finally she says, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.”
“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

Some die hard poker playing friends, with regular Friday night poker game, were still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent message. “Steve, listen,” he told the host, “Ron is in the kitchen making love to your wife!” “OK, that’s it, guys,” Steve said. “This time I mean it, this is positively the last deal!”

–
~author unknown modified by AGuy

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine!!!”

He lost 63 pounds that week.

~ author unknown modified by Aguy editorial

After a long day at work, a man comes home to find his wife in a rush to pack her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men there willing to pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!”

The man just stood there without reacting, and thought about it for a while. He then quickly began packing his bags as well. “What the hell do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”

~ author unknown modified by Aguy

One day Jane walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had recently won in the casino.

Jane walked up to the cashier and handed over a check for $850,000. The cashier insisted on verifying such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious as how Jayne came to have so much money, started asking some questions.

“How did you get so much money?”

“Well”, she replies, “I’m a bit of a gambler.”

“Oh really…” the manager replied, and started to give Jane a lecture about the evils of gambling.

“No really, it’s a lot of fun!” insisted Jane, “for example, I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!”

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it through, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jane could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

“This is my attorney,” said Jane. “He’s here to make sure everything is legit.”

“OK” said the bank manager, so Jane stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

“You’re right, they’re not square!”, she declared.

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car and appeared extremely frustrated. Confused, the manager asked Jane, “What’s wrong with your lawyer?”

“Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in 30 minutes or less.”

–
~ author unknown – modified by Aguy

The university professor had just finished explaining a research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was a requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom quickly raised his hand and shouted out, “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

To be expected, the class exploded in laughter. After the students had finally settled down, the professor looked deep into the student’s eyes with a piercing look.

“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

~ author unknown

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, and caught up on everything they ignored while away. A week later they had breakfast together and talked about their time in Vegas.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says “I know what you mean. My wife played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My woman played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore johnson and a butt full of quarters.”

–
~author unknown

A farmer was on his way into town when he passed by a church. The pastor happen to be sitting there and ask, “Hey John, whatcha got there?” Farmer John replied, “A horsefly, I’m going into town to get a horse.” Pastor says, Well good luck.”

Later that evening the pastor saw farmer John came riding back on a horse. The next morning, pastor saw farmer john again and asked, “Whatcha got there today?” Farmer simply responded, “A butterfly. I’m going get me some butter.” Pastor says, “Well good luck.”

Of course later that evening, pastor saw farmer John walking back with some butter. The next day, as farmer John was walking to town, pastor asked, “Whatcha got today?” Farmer John said, “A Pussy Willow.” The pastor quickly replies, “You don’t mind if I tag along would ya?”

–
~ author unknown

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn’t get her tomatoes to fully ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,â€? the man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatotes and they turn red with embarrassment.â€? Read more »

A guy walks into a bar with a shoe box and a lamp. The guy sits at the bar and asks for a beer, while he carefully puts the box and the lamp down.

The bartender, hearing music coming out of the shoe box, asks, “what’s in there?” The guy replies, “A small piano player.” “No way, that’s impossible.”, the bartender replies.

So the guy opens the box, and sure enough there was a miniature piano player. Now filled with curiosity, the bartender asks, “How on earth did you get that?” Read more »

Bob gets a job at a hardware store as a sales assistant.

The manager asks, “Do you know how to up-sell?”
Bob replies, “I think so.”
The manager says, “I will up-sell to this customer coming in to show you.”

The manager says to the customer, “Can I help you?”
Customer: “I need a bag of fertilizer.”
Manager: “Will that be the five pound or the ten pound? I suggest the ten pound because that will last all summer.” Read more »

Here’s another unfortunate bit of chance for a TV game show. Sometimes I feel like Fate really has it in for these types of shows.

• 180 degrees shy of heaven
• Performing with Flacido Domingo
• A few parts shy of an erector set
• Sch-wing and a miss
• Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
• The Null Monte
• Disappointing Miss Daisy
• Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
• Ascension Deficit Disorder
• Bouncing the Check of Love
• Less-than-Magic Johnson
• All Doled up with nowhere to go
• Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
• Serving boneless pork
• Unleavened Man-Bread

~ author unknown

One day, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. Read more »

“At the end of the tax year, the IRS send an auditor to review the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?” Read more »

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse. alone.”

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!”

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy