One day Jane walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had recently won in the casino.

Jane walked up to the cashier and handed over a check for $850,000. The cashier insisted on verifying such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious as how Jayne came to have so much money, started asking some questions.

“How did you get so much money?”

“Well”, she replies, “I’m a bit of a gambler.”

“Oh really…” the manager replied, and started to give Jane a lecture about the evils of gambling.

“No really, it’s a lot of fun!” insisted Jane, “for example, I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!”

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it through, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jane could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

“This is my attorney,” said Jane. “He’s here to make sure everything is legit.”

“OK” said the bank manager, so Jane stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

“You’re right, they’re not square!”, she declared.

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car and appeared extremely frustrated. Confused, the manager asked Jane, “What’s wrong with your lawyer?”

“Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in 30 minutes or less.”

–
~ author unknown - modified by Aguy

The university professor had just finished explaining a research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was a requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom quickly raised his hand and shouted out, “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

To be expected, the class exploded in laughter. After the students had finally settled down, the professor looked deep into the student’s eyes with a piercing look.

“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

~ author unknown

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, and caught up on everything they ignored while away. A week later they had breakfast together and talked about their time in Vegas.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says “I know what you mean. My wife played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My woman played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore johnson and a butt full of quarters.”

–
~author unknown

A farmer was on his way into town when he passed by a church. The pastor happen to be sitting there and ask, “Hey John, whatcha got there?” Farmer John replied, “A horsefly, I’m going into town to get a horse.” Pastor says, Well good luck.”

Later that evening the pastor saw farmer John came riding back on a horse. The next morning, pastor saw farmer john again and asked, “Whatcha got there today?” Farmer simply responded, “A butterfly. I’m going get me some butter.” Pastor says, “Well good luck.”

Of course later that evening, pastor saw farmer John walking back with some butter. The next day, as farmer John was walking to town, pastor asked, “Whatcha got today?” Farmer John said, “A Pussy Willow.” The pastor quickly replies, “You don’t mind if I tag along would ya?”

–
~ author unknown

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn’t get her tomatoes to fully ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,â€? the man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatotes and they turn red with embarrassment.â€? Read more »

A guy walks into a bar with a shoe box and a lamp. The guy sits at the bar and asks for a beer, while he carefully puts the box and the lamp down.

The bartender, hearing music coming out of the shoe box, asks, “what’s in there?” The guy replies, “A small piano player.” “No way, that’s impossible.”, the bartender replies.

So the guy opens the box, and sure enough there was a miniature piano player. Now filled with curiosity, the bartender asks, “How on earth did you get that?” Read more »

Bob gets a job at a hardware store as a sales assistant.

The manager asks, “Do you know how to up-sell?”
Bob replies, “I think so.”
The manager says, “I will up-sell to this customer coming in to show you.”

The manager says to the customer, “Can I help you?”
Customer: “I need a bag of fertilizer.”
Manager: “Will that be the five pound or the ten pound? I suggest the ten pound because that will last all summer.” Read more »

Here’s another unfortunate bit of chance for a TV game show. Sometimes I feel like Fate really has it in for these types of shows.

• 180 degrees shy of heaven
• Performing with Flacido Domingo
• A few parts shy of an erector set
• Sch-wing and a miss
• Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
• The Null Monte
• Disappointing Miss Daisy
• Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
• Ascension Deficit Disorder
• Bouncing the Check of Love
• Less-than-Magic Johnson
• All Doled up with nowhere to go
• Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
• Serving boneless pork
• Unleavened Man-Bread

~ author unknown

One day, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. Read more »

“At the end of the tax year, the IRS send an auditor to review the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?” Read more »