Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was also good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone was speechless.

–
~ author unknown

A large company has an off-site retreat for it’s executives. The CEO decides to hold the event at his huge country side estate, with it’s equally huge mansion. The estate also has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. However, the huge pool is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!”

Everyone laughs at the outlandish offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The awestruck CEO approaches the CFO and says, “You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can start by telling me who the f*ck pushed me in the pool!”

–
~ author unknown

One day jobless mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as a crowd starts forming around him, a zoo keeper suddenly grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that he has a desperate situation, the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has just died suddenly. He now fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off without their star attraction.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime, without any other means of making a living, accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the zoo opens. He discovers that it’s actually a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. After a couple months, the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a dividing wall, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one unfortunate day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is frozen with fear.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage in a panic with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help me, help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

–
~ author unknown

A farmer was on his way into town when he passed by a church. The pastor happen to be sitting there and ask, “Hey John, whatcha got there?” Farmer John replied, “A horsefly, I’m going into town to get a horse.” Pastor says, Well good luck.”

Later that evening the pastor saw farmer John came riding back on a horse. The next morning, pastor saw farmer john again and asked, “Whatcha got there today?” Farmer simply responded, “A butterfly. I’m going get me some butter.” Pastor says, “Well good luck.”

Of course later that evening, pastor saw farmer John walking back with some butter. The next day, as farmer John was walking to town, pastor asked, “Whatcha got today?” Farmer John said, “A Pussy Willow.” The pastor quickly replies, “You don’t mind if I tag along would ya?”

–
~ author unknown

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Quawwwwk … vus machst du … yeah, du … outside, standing like a schlemiel … eh?”

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot.” Read more »

One day a frightened homeowner called the zoo and said, ” There’s a huge gorilla in my tree in the front yard!” The zoo keeper arrived in no time flat since he had prepared everything immediately after the escape.

He said to the homeowner, ” Stay calm. I know what to do, but I need your help.” With that he went to his van and retrieved his gorilla capturing tools: one pair of handcuffs, 9mm handgun, and a big German Shepherd named Rosco. Read more »

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says “I found them. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with them, but haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should really take them to the zoo.”

“Hey, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away. Read more »

A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.” Read more »

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on board parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!” or

“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!” or

IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!” Read more »

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”

“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer. The owner says “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Read more »

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one year.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, Read more »

A guy walked into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, “That’s the ship that killed my father! Let’s swim closer!” Read more »

… One leg is both the same …