aguywalkedintoabar.com » Being Punny

Polish Divorce

jshare — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:59:48 +0000

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the…

Moaner Lisa

dave — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:34:49 +0000

Did you hear about the man in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out through all the security at the Louvre, he was caught only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a spectacular crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make…

Jungle Poker

dave — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:33:30 +0000

Q: Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?

A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

–
~ author unknown

How Was I Born?

jshare — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:00:05 +0000

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway…

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo; then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon…

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar

dave — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 13:18:05 +0000

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

The Betting Butcher

dave — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 07:07:56 +0000

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher:

“Are you a gambling man?” The butcher responds, “Yes”.

So the man said, “I bet you $100 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.”

“But I thought you were a gambling man” the man scoffs.

“Yes I am” says the butcher, “but the steaks are too high.”

…

Pilots vs. Mechanics

jshare — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 11:20:47 +0000

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. This is reassuring for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripesheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let…

An Owed To The Spelling Checker

dave — Tue, 29 May 2007 12:50:17 +0000

CANDIDATE FOR A PULLET SURPRISE

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee…

Friar Florists

dave — Fri, 11 May 2007 22:21:21 +0000

There once was a group of Friars living on a mountain top, basically communing and doing the things that Friars do. It was discovered that the soil around their monastery was extraordinarily fertile, and many strange and amazingly wonderful plants and flowers grew in the area. The Friars decided to cultivate these plants and flowers and see what types of new plants they could come up with.

After a while, people heard about all the wondrous…

Moscovitz the Writer

dave — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 11:50:44 +0000

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

After the concert he asked the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A check”, replied the guide.

~ author unknown