Once there was a man who worked his entire life and saved all of his money. He was a real scrooge when it came to his assets. He loved money more than just about anything, so much so that just before he died, he ordered his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”

He wouldn’t relent until his wife promised to him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was laid out in the casket in his finest clothing, and the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket like he was ranting about.”

“Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put all his money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every penny of his money in the casket with him!?”

“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

–
~ author unknown

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 30, 2008

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, ‘Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School.

Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, ‘Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Barb, Barb.’

‘Who is it?’ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’

‘Barb — it’s me, Rose.’

‘You’re not Rose. Rose just died.’

‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,’ insisted the voice.

‘Rose! Where are you?’

‘In Heaven,’ replied Rose. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’

‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Barb.

‘The good news,’ Rose said, ‘is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ said Barb.. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’

‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’

Two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she’s been married, and the reply was 4. “Four times!” exclaimed the first woman, “why so many?”

So the other woman said: “Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s terrible” the first woman said.

“Well, it wasn’t that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.” Read more »

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge, as a funeral procession starting to cross the bridge. Then one of the fishermen stands up, removes his cap and bows his head.

After the procession has crossed the bridge, the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other fisherman says, “That was really touching, man. I didn’t know you had it in you.�

Then the first guy says, “Well, I guess it was the right thing to do, after all, I was married to her for 40 years.�

~author unknown

I don’t usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about.

There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey,” died this past week at age 83. Read more »

One day, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. Read more »

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Snap-Crackle and Pop along with Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife , Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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~ author unknown