An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

The other two replied, “Both?”

“Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

A guide for ladies shopping for a Engineering lover. So just how do engineers do it?

Engineers do it with precision.

Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.

Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.

Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.

Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.

Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.

Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.

Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.

Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.

City planners do it with their eyes closed.

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. and extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Next the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

~ author unknown

Rather than force you all to look at many pages for very short jokes, here’s a collection of humorous shorts that made us smile.

Phases of a Project
1 — Exultation
2 — Disenchantment
3 — Search for the Guilty
4 — Punishment of the Innocent
5 — Praise for the Uninvolved

Mechanical vs Civil Engineers

Q: What’s the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
A: One builds bombs, the other builds targets.

Astronaut Anxiety

An astronaut in space in 1970 was asked by a reporter, “How do you feel?”

“How would you feel,” the astronout replied, “if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest engineering bidder?”

Barney is Satan

MATHEMATICAL PROOF (as in Geometry)
REQUIRED TO PROVE THAT “BARNEY IS SATAN”
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan

Step 1: The Romans had no letter “U” so they used “V” instead for printing. Therefore, the Roman representation for Barney would be CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Step 2: Taking CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, and extracting the Roman neumerals, we have:

C V V L D I V

Step 3: The decimal equivalent of these Roman neumerals would be:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Step 4: Adding these numbers together would produce:

666

Step 5: 666 is the number of the beast

Therefore: Barney is Satan

Common Sense

During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, when faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Car pooling

An engineer found out he had to attend a meeting, just minutes before quitting time. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Ted.” At 6:30 p.m., the engineer stopped at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove.”

Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his “Red-Rubber-Ball” table.

Half Glass of Scotch
There is a half glass of scotch on a table.
The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, “What’s the question?”

~ authors unknown

Dear Joe:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine died and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, Read more »

INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL’s(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.

Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and electronic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor outshines the previous generation.

The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory, 1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch than the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip. Read more »

Our program,
Who art in memory,
“Hello” be thy name.
Thy spreadsheets be formatted,
thy code be downloaded, Read more »

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” Read more »

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. Read more »

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one year.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, Read more »

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story…what’s important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France – via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop…whereupon it sticks about halfway down. Read more »

So a software engineer, a hardware engineer and their manager are in the car going to an expo in their rental car. To get there they must navigate a treacherous mountain road. While they are coming down a steep and narrow incline the car’s brakes go out. The car starts going way too fast and they all fear this will be the end of their lives. Read more »

yeah, you heard that… but it’s brilliant quote, so thus obliged to post it:

“Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS’s is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.”

one of the better programming quotes I’ve come across, check out it and the rest here (at the time of posting the site was down for a few days, not sure it’s coming back). nice collection nonetheless!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer”, said the balloonist.

“I am”, replied the man, “How did you know?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am”, replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, said the man on the ground, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

–
~ author unknown modifications by AGuy