One day Jane walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had recently won in the casino.

Jane walked up to the cashier and handed over a check for $850,000. The cashier insisted on verifying such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious as how Jayne came to have so much money, started asking some questions.

“How did you get so much money?”

“Well”, she replies, “I’m a bit of a gambler.”

“Oh really…” the manager replied, and started to give Jane a lecture about the evils of gambling.

“No really, it’s a lot of fun!” insisted Jane, “for example, I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!”

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it through, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jane could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

“This is my attorney,” said Jane. “He’s here to make sure everything is legit.”

“OK” said the bank manager, so Jane stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

“You’re right, they’re not square!”, she declared.

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car and appeared extremely frustrated. Confused, the manager asked Jane, “What’s wrong with your lawyer?”

“Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in 30 minutes or less.”

–
~ author unknown - modified by Aguy

There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of friends who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am. One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. “Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything!?”

~ author unknown

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, and caught up on everything they ignored while away. A week later they had breakfast together and talked about their time in Vegas.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says “I know what you mean. My wife played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My woman played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore johnson and a butt full of quarters.”

–
~author unknown

A man was quietly reading his paper in the family room when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he says. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it”, she replies.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on”, he explains. She gives him the evil eye a bit longer but then feels satisfied with her husband’s response. She apologizes and goes off to finish some housework.

Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he asks, “What the hell was that for?” “Your horse just phoned.”

–
~ author unknown

A blond was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.

She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar. She continued to do this another five times.

A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said “Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?”

She said, “Duh!! Can’t you see that I’m winning here!”

–
~ author unknown

Q: Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?

A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

–
~ author unknown

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Quawwwwk … vus machst du … yeah, du … outside, standing like a schlemiel … eh?”

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot.” Read more »

Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game.

Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.

The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.”

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”

~author unknown

A blond goes into a restaurant and notices there’s a “peel and win!” sticker on her coffee cup. So she’s peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!” The waitress says, “That’s impossible, I’m sorry but the biggest prize is a free lunch.”

But the blond keeps screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!” Read more »

The man says, “Will you buy booze?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum says, “No.”

So the man says, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher:

“Are you a gambling man?” The butcher responds, “Yes”.

So the man said, “I bet you $100 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.”

“But I thought you were a gambling man” the man scoffs.

“Yes I am” says the butcher, “but the steaks are too high.”

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered Read more »