aguywalkedintoabar.com » Geek

If Operating Systems Were Beers

dave — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:15:47 +0000

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first,…

Personal Stats

dave — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 15:57:04 +0000

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me, “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”

~author unknown

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

dave — Sat, 12 May 2007 17:53:45 +0000

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from…

Programmer’s Prayer

dave — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 20:55:35 +0000

Our program,
Who art in memory,
“Hello” be thy name.
Thy spreadsheets be formatted,
thy code be downloaded,
from disk,
as it will be in memory.
Give us on screen
our data spreads,
and forgive us our typos,
as we forgive those who ask that we document.
Lead us not into frustration,
but deliver us from glitches.
For thine is the algorithm,
the application,
and the solution,
looping forever and ever.

Return.

~author unknown

…

Sith Lord Apprentice opening

dave — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 23:34:42 +0000

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.
Location: In A Galaxy Far, Far Away

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would be available for frequent galactic travel and possess a strong understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include, but not limited to:
- Performing competitive intelligence
- Hands-on intervention in support of the…

Top 10 Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel

dave — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 18:31:39 +0000

10. “You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.”

9. “Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, cause I’d never touch the filthy motherfucker.”

8. “This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room … accept no substitutes.”

7. “If Obi-Wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got…

10 Bad Things About A Time-Share Condo With Darth Vadar

dave — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 20:50:52 +0000

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren’t his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your Corona right before you open it.
8. He’s always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent “a long, long time ago.”
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing “Darth Brooks” routine.
5. For once he could try to use the Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4.…

20 signs you are a redneck Jedi

dave — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 18:17:19 +0000

20. You’ve heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
19. Your father has said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot.”
18. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
17. You have used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
16. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
15. You have had…

an architect, an artist and an engineer

dave — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 19:12:18 +0000

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will…

The engineer and the frog

dave — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 21:49:11 +0000

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one year.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,…