During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director ‘how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?’

‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’

‘Oh, I understand,’ said the visitor. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’

‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug.’

‘Do you want a bed near the window?’

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

–
~ author unknown

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,

‘13….13….13….’

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting,

‘14….14….14….’

~ author unknown

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me, “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”

~author unknown

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,� the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,� the man says.

“Isn’t there a cheaper way?� “Well,� the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.�

Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!â€? Read more »

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

~author unknown

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been for an intestinal problem, there was no logical reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally the nurse fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock spoke to the doctor about it. Read more »

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” Read more »

Elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

‘Here’s what you do,” said the doctor, “start Read more »

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice “13……. 13……. 13……… 13″ the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. Read more »