At the Russian military academy, a General gave a lecture on ‘Potential Problems and Military Strategy’.

At the end of the lecture he asked if there are any questions.

An officer stood up and asked: ‘Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?’

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

The officer asked: ‘Who will be the enemy?’

The General: ‘All indications point to China.’

All the audience is shocked, the officer asks: ‘General, we are only 150 million, there are 1,200 million Chinese. Can we win at all?’

The General: ‘Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality.

For example in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.’

After a small pause the officer asked, ‘Do we have enough Jews?’

~ author unknown

A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the religious men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest, I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but thankfully we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G*d. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely, this absolutely must be a sign from above.”

The rabbi continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely he wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

–
~ author unknown

Under same management for over 5765 years.

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: ” The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union . The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you, but there isn’t enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave.” The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you this, but there isn’t enough meat for everyone, Read more »

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Quawwwwk … vus machst du … yeah, du … outside, standing like a schlemiel … eh?”

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot.” Read more »

Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game.

Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.

The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.”

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”

~author unknown

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi.

“You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

“Well,” said Lenny, “I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Shabbat violator! Look at him running for that taxi.”

“Wait a minute,” Moe replied. “Didn’t you read that book I lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command to judge other people favorably? I’ll bet we can think of hundreds of reasons for Irving’s behavior. He is our friend and we must look for a favorable reason for his seemingly violation of the Shabbat laws.”

“Yeah, like what?”

“Maybe he’s sick and needs to go to the hospital.”

“Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he’s healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis.”

“Well, maybe his wife’s having a baby.”

“She had one last week.”

“Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital.”

“She’s home.”

“Well, maybe he’s running to the hospital to get a doctor.”

“He is a doctor.”

“Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital.”

“The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction.”

“Well, maybe he forgot that it’s Shabbat!”

“Of course he knows it’s Shabbat. Didn’t you see his tie. It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week.”

“Wow, you’re a really observant Jew! I didn’t even notice he was wearing a tie.”

“How could you not notice? Didn’t you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?”

~ author unknown

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. Read more »

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

After the concert he asked the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A check”, replied the guide.

~ author unknown

“At the end of the tax year, the IRS send an auditor to review the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?” Read more »