aguywalkedintoabar.com » Jewish

Quality Above Quantity

jshare — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:50:25 +0000

At the Russian military academy, a General gave a lecture on ‘Potential Problems and Military Strategy’.

At the end of the lecture he asked if there are any questions.

An officer stood up and asked: ‘Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?’

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

The officer asked: ‘Who will be the enemy?’

The General: ‘All indications point to China.’

All the audience is shocked, the officer asks: ‘General, we…

A Priest and a Rabbi in a Car Accident

dave — Thu, 01 May 2008 09:03:01 +0000

A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the religious men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest, I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but thankfully we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G*d. He must have meant that we should meet…

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards

jshare — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:00:03 +0000

Under same management for over 5765 years.

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: ” The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”

The Cold War

jshare — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:57:06 +0000

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union . The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, “Comrades, I’m sorry to tell you, but there isn’t enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave.” The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the…

The Yiddish Parrot

dave — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 15:49:11 +0000

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Quawwwwk … vus machst du … yeah, du … outside, standing like a schlemiel … eh?”

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldnâ€™t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot.”

Meyer stood in front of…

A Rabbi, Minister, and Priest Caught Gambling

dave — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 13:01:14 +0000

Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game.

Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.

The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister…

The Picnic

jshare — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 08:31:06 +0000

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi.

“You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked…

Moe and Lenny Judging Favorably

dave — Mon, 28 May 2007 12:30:39 +0000

Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

“Well,” said Lenny, “I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Shabbat violator! Look at him running for that taxi.”

“Wait a minute,” Moe replied. “Didn’t you read that book I lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command to judge other people favorably?…

The Pope vs the Jewish community, the unspoken debate

dave — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 11:20:04 +0000

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged…

Moscovitz the Writer

dave — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 11:50:44 +0000

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

After the concert he asked the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A check”, replied the guide.

~ author unknown