Bob gets a job at a hardware store as a sales assistant.

The manager asks, “Do you know how to up-sell?”
Bob replies, “I think so.”
The manager says, “I will up-sell to this customer coming in to show you.”

The manager says to the customer, “Can I help you?”
Customer: “I need a bag of fertilizer.”
Manager: “Will that be the five pound or the ten pound? I suggest the ten pound because that will last all summer.” Read more »

So a software engineer, a hardware engineer and their manager are in the car going to an expo in their rental car. To get there they must navigate a treacherous mountain road. While they are coming down a steep and narrow incline the car’s brakes go out. The car starts going way too fast and they all fear this will be the end of their lives. Read more »

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a “diagnostic period”.
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, “Sunday is your day.”
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, “let’s talk about this off-line.”
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can’t be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.
2. Valentine’s Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a “win-win”.

~ author Unknown

10. I’m a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
9. Do you pay overtime?
8. I hate flying.
7. I’m useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.
2. Two words: family first.
1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

~author unknown

10. Can’t stop using words that don’t exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you’re speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don’t-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.

~ author unknown

10. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy� or “value-added�.
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks OK to me

~author unknown

First in a new series of Top Ten lists, AND presenting a new category on consultants (the lawyers were getting lonely):

10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
9. You should see the hotel I’m staying at.
8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here.
7. I like this office space. I’ll have them put me in here when you’re gone. Read more »

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer”, said the balloonist.

“I am”, replied the man, “How did you know?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am”, replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, said the man on the ground, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

–
~author unknown