Once there was a man who worked his entire life and saved all of his money. He was a real scrooge when it came to his assets. He loved money more than just about anything, so much so that just before he died, he ordered his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”

He wouldn’t relent until his wife promised to him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was laid out in the casket in his finest clothing, and the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket like he was ranting about.”

“Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put all his money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every penny of his money in the casket with him!?”

“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

–
~ author unknown

There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of friends who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am. One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. “Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything!?”

~ author unknown

You may want to read carefully, and keep handy for a quick review in tense situations with your loved one.

1.) “Fine”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. A shrewd but effective psychological tactic.

2.) “Five Minutes”: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. It may be that women are able to fold the space time continuum to achieve this.

3.) “Nothing”: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes for at least the next 72hrs, if not longer. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.

4.) “Go Ahead”: According to all experts on the topic this is considered a dare, and not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) A Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and further discussion is pointless because she is right in this discussion about nothing important. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of “nothing”.)

6.) “That’s Okay”: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. A 72hr waiting period doesn’t apply, this goes on your permanent record.

7.) “Thanks”: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome and back away slowly.

8.) “Whatever”: Is a woman’s way of saying “bite me”.

9.) “Don’t worry about it, I got it”: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3. Pray that you don’t receive a “that’s ok”.

–
~author unknown and modified heavily by aguywalkedintoabar.com editorial.

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, and caught up on everything they ignored while away. A week later they had breakfast together and talked about their time in Vegas.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says “I know what you mean. My wife played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My woman played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore johnson and a butt full of quarters.”

–
~author unknown

A man was quietly reading his paper in the family room when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he says. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it”, she replies.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on”, he explains. She gives him the evil eye a bit longer but then feels satisfied with her husband’s response. She apologizes and goes off to finish some housework.

Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he asks, “What the hell was that for?” “Your horse just phoned.”

–
~ author unknown

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

‘Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you dumb jerk!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.

~ author unknown

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 30, 2008

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race appear?’

The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, ‘Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.’

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

‘You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!’ There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. Read more »

Bob gets a job at a hardware store as a sales assistant.

The manager asks, “Do you know how to up-sell?”
Bob replies, “I think so.”
The manager says, “I will up-sell to this customer coming in to show you.”

The manager says to the customer, “Can I help you?”
Customer: “I need a bag of fertilizer.”
Manager: “Will that be the five pound or the ten pound? I suggest the ten pound because that will last all summer.” Read more »

A Husband and his wife are in bed together. She feels his hand starting to rubbing her shoulder, and she says, “Oh, that feels good.”

His hand moves to her breast, and she groans, “Honey, that feels wonderful.”

His hand moves to her leg, and then she moans, “Oh, honey, don’t stop.”

But then he abruptly stops. She quickly sits up and asks, “Why did you stop?”

The husband responds, “I found the remote.”

~author unknown

The man says, “Will you buy booze?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum says, “No.”

So the man says, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ” I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” Read more »

Two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she’s been married, and the reply was 4. “Four times!” exclaimed the first woman, “why so many?”

So the other woman said: “Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s terrible” the first woman said.

“Well, it wasn’t that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.” Read more »

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

“That,” he sighed, “must be her checking out now.”

~author unknown

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:  the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Read more »

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.” So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, What do you do for a living?” Read more »

Elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

‘Here’s what you do,” said the doctor, “start Read more »