Four older gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is delayed in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

“My son Steve,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”

The second man, not to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns six different dealerships across the state. “Alan is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new Mercedes as a gift.”

The third man’s son, John, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line of business his son is in.

“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son turned out,” he replies. “For 15 years, Tom has been a hair stylist, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay. However, on the bright side, he must be extremely good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock and bonds.”

author unknown modifications by AGuy

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Johnny.”

“Good morning,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

“What is this?” Johnny asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny’s voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”

~ author unknown modified by Aguy

A family was living next to a vacant lot. One day it was sold, and a construction crew soon turned up to start building a house.

The family’s 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. It didn’t take long for the gentle hearted construction crew, to adopt her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her during coffee breaks, shared their lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The industrious little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars pay she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness!” said the teller, “And will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those as*h*les at the Supply company ever decide to deliver the f*k*ng sheet rock.”

–
~ author unknown

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mot her taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.”You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.”Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

~ author unknown