An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night with his friends. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So then he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time but with the same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up again and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there. Again.”
–
~ author unknown

A guy walks into a bar with a shoe box and a lamp. The guy sits at the bar and asks for a beer, while he carefully puts the box and the lamp down.

The bartender, hearing music coming out of the shoe box, asks, “what’s in there?” The guy replies, “A small piano player.” “No way, that’s impossible.”, the bartender replies.

So the guy opens the box, and sure enough there was a miniature piano player. Now filled with curiosity, the bartender asks, “How on earth did you get that?” Read more »

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course,” comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” Read more »

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Fred?”

~author unknown

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”

~author unknown

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender watches as the guy downs one after another. As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, “I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast.”

“You would if you had what I have,” the man says, throwing back number 11.

“Well, what is it you have?”

The man throws back his last shot and says, “Fifty cents.”

~author unknown

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, “nice tie.” He looks around but doesn’t see anybody near him. Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, “nice shirt.”

He starts to look everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn’t see anyone. A few minutes later he hears, “nice haircut.” He can’t stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice.

The bartender says, “Oh that… that’s the nuts, they’re complimentary.”

~author unknown

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?”

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, the man insists. Finally, the priest says, “how can you prove it?” The man, says “come with me.” They go inside the bar. The bartender says, “Jesus Christ, not you again…”

~author unknown

A man walked into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d’ demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes. He realizes he has jumper cables in the trunk!

So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar. The maitre d’ is reluctant, but says to the guy; “OK, you can come in, but just don’t start anything!”

~author unknown

A string walked into a bar and orders a drink. “Sorry, we don’t serve strings,” said the barman.

“What? That’s discrimination,” said the string. So the string walked into the bathroom and tied himself in a knot and messed up his end. He came back out and approached the bar and again attempted to order a drink.

“Aren’t you that string I just refused to serve?” asked the barman. “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

A guy walked into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”