Two couples were playing poker. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife wasn’t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”

Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?”
She thinks, “Oh hell, he knows!” Finally she says, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.”
“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

The other two replied, “Both?”

“Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

“That dirtball husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbor friend.

“You didn’t do it, did you?!”

“I have to admit that I did, though with certain misgivings, I might add. But what I haven’t done, is tell him the rent is paid up for six months!”

~ author unknown

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

–
~ author unknown

You may want to read carefully, and keep handy for a quick review in tense situations with your loved one.

1.) “Fine”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. A shrewd but effective psychological tactic.

2.) “Five Minutes”: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. It may be that women are able to fold the space time continuum to achieve this.

3.) “Nothing”: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes for at least the next 72hrs, if not longer. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.

4.) “Go Ahead”: According to all experts on the topic this is considered a dare, and not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) A Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and further discussion is pointless because she is right in this discussion about nothing important. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of “nothing”.)

6.) “That’s Okay”: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. A 72hr waiting period doesn’t apply, this goes on your permanent record.

7.) “Thanks”: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome and back away slowly.

8.) “Whatever”: Is a woman’s way of saying “bite me”.

9.) “Don’t worry about it, I got it”: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3. Pray that you don’t receive a “that’s ok”.

–
~author unknown and modified heavily by aguywalkedintoabar.com editorial.

A bank recently expanded by building a drive through ATM. To best serve it’s customers using this new facility, they spent many months of careful research, until they developed different procedures for men and women. To notify it’s customers it posted a sign in it’s lobby.

“Please note that we’ve recently installed new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving the comfort of their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below:

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MEN
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt, shove them into your wallet.
6. Close window.
7. Exit drive through.

WOMEN
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate customers waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Close window
27. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
28. Release Parking Brake.”

–
~ author unknown

A man was quietly reading his paper in the family room when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he says. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it”, she replies.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on”, he explains. She gives him the evil eye a bit longer but then feels satisfied with her husband’s response. She apologizes and goes off to finish some housework.

Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he asks, “What the hell was that for?” “Your horse just phoned.”

–
~ author unknown

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side.

Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

These are our rules:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Read more »

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

~ author unknown

An old man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years, with a large pond in the back. It was a good size and shape for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic table, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees, BBQ pit, etc.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and looked around. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. Read more »

Dear Joe:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine died and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, Read more »

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn’t get her tomatoes to fully ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,â€? the man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatotes and they turn red with embarrassment.â€? Read more »

A Husband and his wife are in bed together. She feels his hand starting to rubbing her shoulder, and she says, “Oh, that feels good.”

His hand moves to her breast, and she groans, “Honey, that feels wonderful.”

His hand moves to her leg, and then she moans, “Oh, honey, don’t stop.”

But then he abruptly stops. She quickly sits up and asks, “Why did you stop?”

The husband responds, “I found the remote.”

~author unknown

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. Read more »

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,� the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,� the man says.

“Isn’t there a cheaper way?� “Well,� the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.�

Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!â€? Read more »

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.  “Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

~ author unknown

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. Read more »

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

“That,” he sighed, “must be her checking out now.”

~author unknown

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter password that he wants to use when logging on.

The husband, thinking he’ll do the manly thing, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer: P E N I S

His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: “PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.”

~author unknown

The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR. POTATO HEAD

He’s tan.
He’s cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.