A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland…

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.  I can read, and it say:

Polish Remover

Did you hear about the man in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out through all the security at the Louvre, he was caught only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a spectacular crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(And you thought we lacked De Gaulle to repeat a story like this.)

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

Q: Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?

A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

–
~ author unknown

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway…

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo; then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. Read more »

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher:

“Are you a gambling man?” The butcher responds, “Yes”.

So the man said, “I bet you $100 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.”

“But I thought you were a gambling man” the man scoffs.

“Yes I am” says the butcher, “but the steaks are too high.”

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. This is reassuring for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripesheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. Read more »

CANDIDATE FOR A PULLET SURPRISE

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh.
My checker tolled me sew. Read more »

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

After the concert he asked the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A check”, replied the guide.

~ author unknown

I don’t usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about.

There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey,” died this past week at age 83. Read more »

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, “nice tie.” He looks around but doesn’t see anybody near him. Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, “nice shirt.”

He starts to look everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn’t see anyone. A few minutes later he hears, “nice haircut.” He can’t stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice.

The bartender says, “Oh that… that’s the nuts, they’re complimentary.”

~author unknown

There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were blessed with a healthy baby son. Read more »

A man walked into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d’ demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes. He realizes he has jumper cables in the trunk!

So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar. The maitre d’ is reluctant, but says to the guy; “OK, you can come in, but just don’t start anything!”

~author unknown

A string walked into a bar and orders a drink. “Sorry, we don’t serve strings,” said the barman.

“What? That’s discrimination,” said the string. So the string walked into the bathroom and tied himself in a knot and messed up his end. He came back out and approached the bar and again attempted to order a drink.

“Aren’t you that string I just refused to serve?” asked the barman. “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, “That’s the ship that killed my father! Let’s swim closer!” Read more »

What did one ovary say to the other one?

“Did you order any furniture?” Read more »

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” Read more »