It is important to study the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it is usually the only type of cooking a real man will do – probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food. Read more »

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”

~author unknown

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled “Got Milk”.

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled “Forgot Milk”.

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled “Not Milk”.

~ author unknown

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge, as a funeral procession starting to cross the bridge. Then one of the fishermen stands up, removes his cap and bows his head.

After the procession has crossed the bridge, the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other fisherman says, “That was really touching, man. I didn’t know you had it in you.�

Then the first guy says, “Well, I guess it was the right thing to do, after all, I was married to her for 40 years.�

~author unknown

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weighing machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.” Read more »

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, “Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” Read more »

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, ” I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. ” What happened?” they asked. ” Well,” said Moishe, ” First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

” Yes, yes,.. and then???” asked the crowd.

” I don’t know,” said Moishe, ” He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.”

~ author unknown modifications by AGuy

Our program,
Who art in memory,
“Hello” be thy name.
Thy spreadsheets be formatted,
thy code be downloaded, Read more »

A friend and guest blogger on A guy Walked Into A Bar dot com, jshare, pointed out this funny video, that he found on John Chow’s blog, who found it on…. well, I don’t really know, but let me know if you want the chain to never end.

to the point, there is so much truth to this!!!! Read more »

Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, “Survivor, Texas-Style.”

The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Read more »

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. Read more »

What expect you from someone 900 years old? English perfect???

Size matters not… hey, what are you laughing at?

900 years for Viagra I wait.

I cannot teach him. IQ of 30 has he. Hangs upside down in ice caves. Read more »

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptizing folk in the river. He ambles down to the water’s edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: “Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother – are you ready to find Jesus?” Read more »

A young Scottish lad & lass were sitting on a low stone wall holding hands & gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy & said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’…perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.” Read more »

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

After the concert he asked the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A check”, replied the guide.

~ author unknown

10. “You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.”

9. “Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, cause I’d never touch the filthy motherfucker.”

8. “This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room … accept no substitutes.” Read more »

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender watches as the guy downs one after another. As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, “I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast.”

“You would if you had what I have,” the man says, throwing back number 11.

“Well, what is it you have?”

The man throws back his last shot and says, “Fifty cents.”

~author unknown

I don’t usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about.

There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey,” died this past week at age 83. Read more »

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren’t his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your Corona right before you open it.
8. He’s always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent “a long, long time ago.” Read more »

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, “nice tie.” He looks around but doesn’t see anybody near him. Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, “nice shirt.”

He starts to look everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn’t see anyone. A few minutes later he hears, “nice haircut.” He can’t stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice.

The bartender says, “Oh that… that’s the nuts, they’re complimentary.”

~author unknown