DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like a Mac Beer’s can. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality, you can drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the comapny promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s - After Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer
The comapny has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extemely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimum user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development you’re told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physician’s Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.

Have any updates on new Beer Operating Systems?

~ author unknown modified by Aguy

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. and extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Next the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

~ author unknown

Rather than force you all to look at many pages for very short jokes, here’s a collection of humorous shorts that made us smile.

Phases of a Project

1 — Exultation

2 — Disenchantment

3 — Search for the Guilty

4 — Punishment of the Innocent

5 — Praise for the Uninvolved

Mechanical vs Civil Engineers

Q: What’s the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

A: One builds bombs, the other builds targets.

Astronaut Anxiety

An astronaut in space in 1970 was asked by a reporter, “How do you feel?”

“How would you feel,” the astronout replied, “if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest engineering bidder?”

Barney is Satan

MATHEMATICAL PROOF (as in Geometry)
REQUIRED TO PROVE THAT “BARNEY IS SATAN”
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan

Step 1: The Romans had no letter “U” so they used “V” instead for printing.

Therefore, the Roman representation for Barney would be CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Step 2: Taking CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, and extracting the Roman neumerals, we have:

C V V L D I V

Step 3: The decimal equivalent of these Roman neumerals would be:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Step 4: Adding these numbers together would produce:

666

Step 5: 666 is the number of the beast

Therefore: Barney is Satan

Common Sense

During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, when faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Car pooling

An engineer found out he had to attend a meeting, just minutes before quitting time. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Ted.” At 6:30 p.m., the engineer stopped at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove.”

Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his “Red-Rubber-Ball” table.

Half Glass of Scotch
There is a half glass of scotch on a table.
The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, “What’s the question?”

~ authors unknown

There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of friends who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am. One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. “Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything!?”

~ author unknown

A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the religious men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest, I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but thankfully we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G*d. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely, this absolutely must be a sign from above.”

The rabbi continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely he wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

–
~ author unknown

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Quawwwwk … vus machst du … yeah, du … outside, standing like a schlemiel … eh?”

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot.” Read more »

Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game.

Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.

The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.”

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”

~author unknown

One day a frightened homeowner called the zoo and said, ” There’s a huge gorilla in my tree in the front yard!” The zoo keeper arrived in no time flat since he had prepared everything immediately after the escape.

He said to the homeowner, ” Stay calm. I know what to do, but I need your help.” With that he went to his van and retrieved his gorilla capturing tools: one pair of handcuffs, 9mm handgun, and a big German Shepherd named Rosco. Read more »

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

A lawyer and a blond woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blond is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.”

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blond, so he makes another offer, “Okay, how about this. If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”

This catches the blond’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s the blond’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the internet, from wikipedia to the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to everyone he knows, with no success. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blond and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blond again and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”

Again without a word, the blond reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

~ author unknown some changes made by the Aguy team

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says “I found them. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with them, but haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should really take them to the zoo.”

“Hey, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away. Read more »

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher:

“Are you a gambling man?” The butcher responds, “Yes”.

So the man said, “I bet you $100 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.”

“But I thought you were a gambling man” the man scoffs.

“Yes I am” says the butcher, “but the steaks are too high.”

Here’s another unfortunate bit of chance for a TV game show. Sometimes I feel like Fate really has it in for these types of shows.

Stan was construction worker, and was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the roof of a house he was working on, and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and decided to follow a different path.

One day, Stan decided to invest his money in a small, and fast growing, tele-com business called Swift Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. After signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great, he knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Stan asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?â€? Read more »

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. Read more »

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.  “Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

~ author unknown

• 180 degrees shy of heaven
• Performing with Flacido Domingo
• A few parts shy of an erector set
• Sch-wing and a miss
• Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
• The Null Monte
• Disappointing Miss Daisy
• Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
• Ascension Deficit Disorder
• Bouncing the Check of Love
• Less-than-Magic Johnson
• All Doled up with nowhere to go
• Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
• Serving boneless pork
• Unleavened Man-Bread

~ author unknown

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on board parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!” or

“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!” or

IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!” Read more »

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. Read more »

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “Your’re in charge of sweeping,� to the Irishman, “You’re in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, “And you’re in charge of supplies. “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.�

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?â€? The Italian replies, “I didn’t have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn’t find him.â€? Read more »