- My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
- My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
- My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
- My mother taught me MORE LOGIC “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
- My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
- My mot her taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
- My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
- My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
- My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
- My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
- My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
- My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
- My mother taught me about RECEIVING.”You are going to get it when you get home!”
- My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
- My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
- My mother taught me HUMOR.”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
- My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
- My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
- My mother taught me about my ROOTS.”Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
- My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
- And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL’s(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.
Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and electronic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor outshines the previous generation.
The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory, 1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch than the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip. Read more »
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer. The owner says “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Read more »
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
“Well,” said Lenny, “I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Shabbat violator! Look at him running for that taxi.”
“Wait a minute,” Moe replied. “Didn’t you read that book I lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command to judge other people favorably? I’ll bet we can think of hundreds of reasons for Irving’s behavior. He is our friend and we must look for a favorable reason for his seemingly violation of the Shabbat laws.”
“Yeah, like what?”
“Maybe he’s sick and needs to go to the hospital.”
“Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab – he’s healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis.”
“Well, maybe his wife’s having a baby.”
“She had one last week.”
“Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital.”
“Well, maybe he’s running to the hospital to get a doctor.”
“He is a doctor.”
“Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital.”
“The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction.”
“Well, maybe he forgot that it’s Shabbat!”
“Of course he knows it’s Shabbat. Didn’t you see his tie. It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week.”
“Wow, you’re a really observant Jew! I didn’t even notice he was wearing a tie.”
“How could you not notice? Didn’t you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?”
There are many “pinot” wines on the market: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio for starters.
There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older man has to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as…
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Read more »
A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter password that he wants to use when logging on.
The husband, thinking heâ€™ll do the manly thing, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer: P E N I S
His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: “PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.”
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked great for a 65-year-old.
We drank a bit, and things progressed rather nicely and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It a mother and daughter threesome,” she said. Read more »
anyone who’s traveled extensively abroad can appreciate this one…
A man decided to visit his brother who was stationed in Germany. He assumed that most Germans would speak English. But he quickly discovered that many people spoke only their native tongue, including the ticket inspector on the train. Read more »
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it. Read more »
There once was a group of Friars living on a mountain top, basically communing and doing the things that Friars do. It was discovered that the soil around their monastery was extraordinarily fertile, and many strange and amazingly wonderful plants and flowers grew in the area. The Friars decided to cultivate these plants and flowers and see what types of new plants they could come up with.
After a while, people heard about all the wondrous plant life the Friars were developing. They came from miles around to tour the Monastery area. The Friars, who were very business minded for a group of religious folk, decided to start charging the people money for the seeds and tours. Read more »
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been for an intestinal problem, there was no logical reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally the nurse fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock spoke to the doctor about it. Read more »
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
“That was my pager”, she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” Read more »
Considering I travel to london on a near weekly basis, I can (unfortunately) relate to this. I had the mp3 of the song for quite a while, but never knew who originally produced it, and now I know.
The London Underground song is by the comedy band Amateur Transplants (Dr. Adam Kay and Dr. Suman Biswas). Hats off, this is brilliant. Check out the video, actually if anyone knows of their own profile on google video or youtube, let me know so i can include their video. or you can check out the video on their site.
LYRICS Read more »
It is important to study the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it is usually the only type of cooking a real man will do – probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1. The woman buys the food. Read more »
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled “Got Milk”.
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled “Forgot Milk”.
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled “Not Milk”.
~ author unknown
Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge, as a funeral procession starting to cross the bridge. Then one of the fishermen stands up, removes his cap and bows his head.
After the procession has crossed the bridge, the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other fisherman says, â€œThat was really touching, man. I didnâ€™t know you had it in you.â€?
Then the first guy says, â€œWell, I guess it was the right thing to do, after all, I was married to her for 40 years.â€?
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weighing machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.” Read more »
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, “Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” Read more »