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Top ten ways to know you’re dating or married to a consultant

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a “diagnostic period”.
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, “Sunday is your day.”
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, “let’s talk about this off-line.”
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can’t be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.
2. Valentine’s Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a “win-win”.

~ author Unknown

Contributed by dave | Posted in Consultants, Management, top 10 lists, Work | No Comments »

a priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?”

Contributed by dave | Posted in Walked Into a Bar | No Comments »

Jesus walked into a bar

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, the man insists. Finally, the priest says, “how can you prove it?” The man, says “come with me.” They go inside the bar. The bartender says, “Jesus Christ, not you again…”

~author unknown

Contributed by dave | Posted in Catholic, Religion, Walked Into a Bar | No Comments »

A man walked into a classy bar

A man walked into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d’ demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes. He realizes he has jumper cables in the trunk!

So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar. The maitre d’ is reluctant, but says to the guy; “OK, you can come in, but just don’t start anything!”

~author unknown

Contributed by dave | Posted in Being Punny, Walked Into a Bar | No Comments »

a string walked into a bar

A string walked into a bar and orders a drink. “Sorry, we don’t serve strings,” said the barman.

“What? That’s discrimination,” said the string. So the string walked into the bathroom and tied himself in a knot and messed up his end. He came back out and approached the bar and again attempted to order a drink.

“Aren’t you that string I just refused to serve?” asked the barman. “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

Contributed by dave | Posted in Being Punny, Walked Into a Bar | No Comments »

a horse behind the bar

A guy walked into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Contributed by dave | Posted in Animals, Walked Into a Bar | No Comments »

a whale’s revenge

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, “That’s the ship that killed my father! Let’s swim closer!” Read more »

Contributed by dave | Posted in Animals, Being Punny, nature | No Comments »

Cheating on your taxes

One day, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. Read more »

Contributed by dave | Posted in Adult Jokes and Humor, Death, Heaven, Religion, taxes | No Comments »

Top Ten Things You Should not Say at a Consulting Interview

10. I’m a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
9. Do you pay overtime?
8. I hate flying.
7. I’m useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.
2. Two words: family first.
1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

~author unknown

Contributed by dave | Posted in Consultants, Management, Work | No Comments »

Your Eyes Say It All

A man walks out of a bar and bumps into a policeman. “Hey,” the policeman says, “your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Mary’s?” “Well,” the man says, “your eyes are glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

~ author unknown

Contributed by dave | Posted in Food & Drink, Wit | No Comments »

Sign language gone awry

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Read more »

Contributed by dave | Posted in english, Irish, scottish | No Comments »

Top Ten Ways to Know You have Got the Consulting Bug

10. Can’t stop using words that don’t exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you’re speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don’t-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.

~ author unknown

Contributed by dave | Posted in Consultants, Management, top 10 lists, Work | No Comments »

Top Ten Things You will Never Hear from a Consultant

10. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy� or “value-added�.
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks OK to me

~author unknown

Contributed by dave | Posted in Consultants, Management, top 10 lists, Work | No Comments »

Java is like anal what?!

yeah, you heard that… but it’s brilliant quote, so thus obliged to post it:

“Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS’s is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.”

one of the better programming quotes I’ve come across, check out it and the rest here (at the time of posting the site was down for a few days, not sure it’s coming back). nice collection nonetheless!

Contributed by dave | Posted in Engineering, Geek, quotes, technology | No Comments »

two ovaries

What did one ovary say to the other one?

“Did you order any furniture?” Read more »

Contributed by dave | Posted in Being Punny | No Comments »

Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn’t Tell a Client

First in a new series of Top Ten lists, AND presenting a new category on consultants (the lawyers were getting lonely):

10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
9. You should see the hotel I’m staying at.
8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here.
7. I like this office space. I’ll have them put me in here when you’re gone. Read more »

Contributed by dave | Posted in Consultants, Management, top 10 lists, Work | No Comments »

Tom Jones Syndrome

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” Read more »

Contributed by dave | Posted in Being Punny, Health care | No Comments »

lion hunting

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.” Read more »

ROCK, paper, scissors

For those that saw the Super Bowl, this is probably not new, nor if you’re a semi-pro couch surfer, but hey, this is worth losing a few brain cells over. And for those that never won at rock, paper, scissors, get ready to take notes.

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Contributed by dave | Posted in Education, video | No Comments »

John West Salmon

too good of a classic not to include it.

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Contributed by dave | Posted in Hunting & Fishing, nature, video | 1 Comment »