A family was living next to a vacant lot. One day it was sold, and a construction crew soon turned up to start building a house.

The family’s 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. It didn’t take long for the gentle hearted construction crew, to adopt her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her during coffee breaks, shared their lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The industrious little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars pay she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness!” said the teller, “And will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those as*h*les at the Supply company ever decide to deliver the f*k*ng sheet rock.”

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~ author unknown

A large company has an off-site retreat for it’s executives. The CEO decides to hold the event at his huge country side estate, with it’s equally huge mansion. The estate also has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. However, the huge pool is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!”

Everyone laughs at the outlandish offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The awestruck CEO approaches the CFO and says, “You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can start by telling me who the f*ck pushed me in the pool!”

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~ author unknown

One day jobless mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as a crowd starts forming around him, a zoo keeper suddenly grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that he has a desperate situation, the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has just died suddenly. He now fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off without their star attraction.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime, without any other means of making a living, accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the zoo opens. He discovers that it’s actually a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. After a couple months, the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a dividing wall, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one unfortunate day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is frozen with fear.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage in a panic with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help me, help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

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~ author unknown