You may want to read carefully, and keep handy for a quick review in tense situations with your loved one.

1.) “Fine”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. A shrewd but effective psychological tactic.

2.) “Five Minutes”: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. It may be that women are able to fold the space time continuum to achieve this.

3.) “Nothing”: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes for at least the next 72hrs, if not longer. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.

4.) “Go Ahead”: According to all experts on the topic this is considered a dare, and not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) A Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and further discussion is pointless because she is right in this discussion about nothing important. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of “nothing”.)

6.) “That’s Okay”: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. A 72hr waiting period doesn’t apply, this goes on your permanent record.

7.) “Thanks”: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome and back away slowly.

8.) “Whatever”: Is a woman’s way of saying “bite me”.

9.) “Don’t worry about it, I got it”: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3. Pray that you don’t receive a “that’s ok”.

–
~author unknown and modified heavily by aguywalkedintoabar.com editorial.

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, and caught up on everything they ignored while away. A week later they had breakfast together and talked about their time in Vegas.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says “I know what you mean. My wife played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My woman played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore johnson and a butt full of quarters.”

–
~author unknown

A man was quietly reading his paper in the family room when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he says. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it”, she replies.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on”, he explains. She gives him the evil eye a bit longer but then feels satisfied with her husband’s response. She apologizes and goes off to finish some housework.

Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he asks, “What the hell was that for?” “Your horse just phoned.”

–
~ author unknown

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side.

Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

These are our rules:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Read more »

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; Read more »

An old man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years, with a large pond in the back. It was a good size and shape for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic table, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees, BBQ pit, etc.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and looked around. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. Read more »

Dear Joe:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine died and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, Read more »

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn’t get her tomatoes to fully ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,â€? the man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatotes and they turn red with embarrassment.â€? Read more »

A Husband and his wife are in bed together. She feels his hand starting to rubbing her shoulder, and she says, “Oh, that feels good.”

His hand moves to her breast, and she groans, “Honey, that feels wonderful.”

His hand moves to her leg, and then she moans, “Oh, honey, don’t stop.”

But then he abruptly stops. She quickly sits up and asks, “Why did you stop?”

The husband responds, “I found the remote.”

~author unknown

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. Read more »

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,� the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,� the man says.

“Isn’t there a cheaper way?� “Well,� the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.�

Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!â€? Read more »

• 180 degrees shy of heaven
• Performing with Flacido Domingo
• A few parts shy of an erector set
• Sch-wing and a miss
• Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
• The Null Monte
• Disappointing Miss Daisy
• Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
• Ascension Deficit Disorder
• Bouncing the Check of Love
• Less-than-Magic Johnson
• All Doled up with nowhere to go
• Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
• Serving boneless pork
• Unleavened Man-Bread

~ author unknown

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. Read more »

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

“That,” he sighed, “must be her checking out now.”

~author unknown

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:  the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter password that he wants to use when logging on.

The husband, thinking he’ll do the manly thing, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer: P E N I S

His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: “PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.”

~author unknown

The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR. POTATO HEAD

He’s tan.
He’s cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked great for a 65-year-old.

We drank a bit, and things progressed rather nicely and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It a mother and daughter threesome,” she said. Read more »

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.

“That was my pager”, she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” Read more »

It is important to study the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it is usually the only type of cooking a real man will do - probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food. Read more »